Bolide
by dream-2me
Summary: What if Edward and Bella met as vampires? Edward has been with Tanya for 10 years but when he mets Bella, a nomadic vampire, his soul stirs and his world is forever changed. Denali to Forks- it brings you back people and places from Twilight AU, no OOC
1. Chapter 1: Meditation

Chapter One: Meditation

My days were spent in a monotonous sort of pattern. With Tanya. I loved her, I think. She treated me too well and loved me with almost every fiber of her body- the rest dedicated to her sisters and my own family- and I didn't need to hear those words to tell she did. Her every thought about me was full of nothing but adoration and excitment. My family, with Rosalie as a bitter exception, felt too much the same. They couldn't be more happy that I'd found someone to be with. They considered it found, I considered it set up. Like a failed attempted at what Carlisle did with Rose, aside from the fact that it worked. I knew better, though.  
For the last ten years I've settled.  
I could't speak up about that, though. They've had enough of me being alone, being unhappy. Who was I to disgruntle their eternities with my own problems. I could suck it up. What is love anyways? A sexual desire? A bond as strong as friendship? I have that with Tanya.. she is beyond beautiful, and I do love her as a friend. Why don't they add up like they do on paper?  
It wasn't only these thoughts I had to hold to myself, it was _their_ thoughts as well. I could hear them. Everything they said to themselves, pictured, wondered. I knew it all. How badly would I damaged these relationships I have between them by admitting this ability.  
_"Jasper, I see that you picture hunting locals, imaging your most seductive voice and luring the curious into the forrests not to return home. Battling every second."__  
__ "Alice, I know what you see happening. I know to be careful about my decidions so I don't see them reflected from your mind to mine. Only I see you looking into others' fates with a curious eye while you ignore my future, so seemlingly planned completely."__  
__ "Carlisle and Esme, it's your love that's doubted my own. Because I can see ino your minds is the reason that I know my love isn't what love is, isn't what love should be. I should thank you for that fact, but there isn't much I can do about it now."_  
If only I could sleep on it.


	2. Chapter 2: Hunting

Chapter Two: Hunting

It was cool out, today. It was always cooler in Alaska. I sometimes wished I could feel the bite of the wind against my arms or my cheeks. I know I was from Chicago- I should be used to the wind, the cool breezes from the lake- but I barely remember my own parents.  
Tanya, Alice, Emmett and myself were to hunt polar bears today. They usually put up a fight which was entertaining, both to watch and to do. Emmett had the most fun, and I couldn't help to laugh at him when he would make funny comments.  
"Edward, come. There are a few more scattered around here. Do you want to get one or two more with me", Tanya asked, her lovely hair whipping past her smooth, marvilous face.  
"I'd rather watch Emmett hunt. I'm feeling full already."  
"Oh", she wispered. Even though she was 100 or so yards away I could still hear the pain in her voice and in her mind. _"Did I say something earlier? What's wrong with him? What did I do..."_  
I ran up to her in seconds, cupping her face in my hands and staring into her dark eyes, not yet gold from the hunt. Her thin lips would be trembling, if she were able to cry, which looked quite possible right now.  
That's the thing about Tayna. Why do I feel like she can read _my_ mind? Does she know what I know, what I feel? This incompletion.. discontent?  
"Don't. Don't look that way. It's nothing to do with you. I'm genuinely interested in what Emmett will do with this polar bear", I nudged my head in the director of Emmett, crouching down low while the bear prepared to defend itself.  
"_'Nothing to do with me.'_ _If it was nothing to do with me, he'd be at my side every chance. Alice and Jasper. Carmen and Eleazar. Why couldn't we be like that? What is my problem? What is his?"_  
She must see through me. She knows it. Pretty soon they'll all be thinking the same thing. I can't keep this going forever.  
"Okay. Can I stay with you?"  
"Of couse, Tanya. Of course", I kissed her thin lips for a long moment and let her strawberry blonde hair wrap around my face and her's.  
We watched Emmett, laughed together as he tackled the bear, teased it, let it bite him, then would over power it once again. Tanya stood infront of me, my arms hugging her torso while she intertwined her fingers behind my neck. I prefered it this way. When I looked into her eyes, I couldn't help doubt myself. I didn't feel what I saw Alice feel when Jasper gazed into her eyes. But when she stood infront of me, I felt what Emmett felt when he held Rosalie... in a way. Maybe love took time. I had all the time in the world.  
Later, near midnight, when the sky was black as pitch and aura borealis shown lightly overhead, Emmett and myself went into the woods to enjoy the night and late time predators. Alice and Tanya headed home, Tanya to say goodbye to Carmen and Eleazar before leaving for Europe again, and Alice to be with Jasper.  
"Edward, I think I see some wolves over there. Let's play, 'tag'", Emmett grinned at me before running into the trees.  
We chased the wolves for a while, not hunting them but enjoying ourselves, letting ourselves be the animals we were. It was nice, too. The beautiful lights coming from the sky, the dainty snow fall, the way the ice looked on the leaves. I wish I could share this with Emmett, but any response he could say would not be the response I was looking for. He rarely appreciated this beauty, rarely stopped to look at it.  
As Emmett and I ran the wolves up and to the east, we noticed lights of a small town.  
"I'll catch up with you in a few minutes, Em, I'm curious."  
He ran ahead as if what I said was insignificant, just nodding to show me he heard me. I was always curious.  
The town held a warmth, from the homes, from the blood of the people, so much more warm that animal blood in a certain way, a way that could quench any thirst.

_Snap out of it. You just ate. Not that you could do that anyways. _I sighed.  
I ran around the town once or twice, taking in the lives of the people, the feel of the town. It would be more interesting if they were awake. I needed to come back again.  
As I ran back toward the direction of Emmett, I noticed a swift figure behind the trees. I listened for Emmett's thoughts, but I didn't hear anything. Not Emmett, not a human. No scent of an animal.  
But I did smell blood. The sweet blood of a _human_. The venom in my mouth gathered at the tip of my teeth, my muscles contracted tighter, ready to react. I fought it though, I _had_ to.  
For Tanya, for Carlisle, for the life that was chosen for me. I surrendered my love for human blood in order to live with my family, to be with Tanya. The things I surrender for companionship, family.  
I didn't breathe, but I silently approached the smell, the sound I was hearing. When I was 20 feet away I could see it. I could see her. Croutched over a lifeless body, preoccupied by her thirst.  
Her dark auburn hair fell in thick locks over her face, but when she jerked up, looking directly into my eyes, her red irises bore straight into mine.


	3. Chapter 3: Starving

Chapter Three: Starved

It had been weeks since I last ate. I shouldn't be as thirsty as I felt, but any thought of feeding left my mouth swimming in excess venom. My throat burnt at the slightest smell of humanity.

_Fine_. _I surrender_.

I slowly stood up, shook the snow off my body, and took in a few deep breaths. It was nice to take up time, take things slowly. I had all the time in the world.

"Uh, my clothes", I hadn't changed in months. The snow winkled my shirt and drops of faded blood were splattered across my jeans. I may not been seen by society but I felt disgusting.

_Dirty clothes, that's disgusting?_ I laughed to myself.

I figured that since my eyes we dark, much more human than bright red, I could go into the nearest town and get something new to wear… just incase anyone saw me, which was unlikely. I'd just have to hold my breath and restrain myself from lunging at someone's throat.

It was sometime at night and already as dark as it would be. The town was about four miles from where I was now. I only knew this because I'd been there for my last meal and my location hadn't moved in a while. I liked the small area I had. A giant rock with its own little town. A town abundant in trees, snow four feet deep, and a tiny frozen river. It reminded me of something in my human life. I was too hungry to think.

I ran to the town as fast as I could, leaving a whirl of light snow behind me. As I ran I looked up, staring at the sky. It was beautiful; I could appreciate that, even in my current state of thirst. The northern lights shown down and illuminated my path. I could see the ice frozen on the trees, the prints of animals left in the snow. I heard the distant noise of wolves. Hunting, I suppose.

The town was right in front of me. _Control, come on. Just enough time to steal some clothes._

The nearest house held a family of five. A wife, two daughters, and two sons. They _had_ a husband.

I would have felt guilty, sad even if my throat wasn't burning so badly. They were all asleep as I snuck, without sound, into one of the bedroom windows. It was the room of two sisters, both in their teen years. One of them had sandy blond hair while the other had a more rich, more honey like color. They were about my size, which was perfect.

I opened the closet and took the first article of clothing I saw. It was a striped blouse, pink and white. I threw it back. I hated pink.

I grabbed a black tee-shirt with something about a summer camp on the front of it and a pair of loose fitting jeans. This was fine.

As I made my way from the house I noticed a light coming from the trees 300 or so yards from me. I could smell it already. It was a man, large in size and holding a gun.

Hunting? I guess we had that in common.

I walked slowly toward him. He wouldn't notice me until I was about 50 yards away. _A woman_, he would think. He would question it. _Why is she out here? She must be freezing. Who is she? Am I making this up?_

I liked to entertain my meals. If they were going to die they might as well have a good death, a death that would make a decent story.

When I was close enough for him to see me, he starting to approach quicker. He must have thought I needed help. His features arranged themselves into a compassionate, strong, and helpful face. I would feel bad taking his life... if I wasn't so damn thirsty.

"Hello? Are you okay? What are you doing out here?"

I flashed toward him within moments. His face turned from helpful to shocked to scared as I smiled my brilliantly white, smooth teeth.

"I'm sorry. It won't hurt", I raised my eyebrows in an innocent way and gave him one last smile, the smile of an angel. He must have thought death had come for him, like it was his time to go. He took a slow, deep breath in the most peculiar way and closed his eyes. Whatever made him suffer less…

I slowly kissed his cheek; cool from the nip of the wind but warm with blood flow. Without hesitation, without a moment to notice, I dug my teeth into the front of his throat.

He drew in one last, sharp breath as I held his weak, dying body in my arms and took him into the darkness of the trees.

When I knew he was dead I started to slow down, to savor this meal because it would be my last here. Two men too many in such a small town.

After a minute, when his body was almost entirely drained, I heard a movement of wind near me. It was not a natural movement but the movement of something living.

_An animal, I'm sure._

But then, a second later I could smell it. The familiar, yet shocking smell. It smelt like me.

I jerked my head up, whipping back my long hair, covered with blood at the tips. Our eyes met immediately. His golden, warm eyes.


	4. Chapter 4: Impression

Chapter Four: Impression

My first thought: she was the strangest thing I'd seen. Her eyes were bright red, so unlike the gold and black I was used to. Her hair was a warm, auburn brown- illuminated in the stars' light- and I noticed the tips covered in blood. She worn a black shirt but I could see the warm blood splashed across that as well. Her position was defensive, hostile.

It was not strange in a bad way, but strange in a way that makes you stare. Stare for too long.

I'd been gazing into her eyes mindlessly, but when I could think clearly again, I realized that she had been staring into mine for just as long. An unfaltering stare.

_This_ was the strangest thing about her.

She had been hunting, was in the middle of a meal, and should be completely preoccupied. Her stare was not the stare of a predator. Her stance was that of an animal, but in the most humane way. She had no rage in her eyes, no warning. I believe her expression mirrored my own. Curious.

My second thought: she was completely different from anything I'd come across before. Human or vampire. She was different from a human because she _was_ a vampire. Her eyes red, her skin completely smooth and light, her features aligned in the most stunning way. She was different from a vampire, Tanya specifically, because she had astonishing full lips, dark, mangled hair, and the stature, not of a model or an actress, but of someone innocent and beautiful and conserved. She was just as striking as Tanya, but it was as if they were designed as polar opposites.

My third thought: I was being drawn to her. Drawn in a way I'd never been before. I felt as if she held a rope and was, in some unseen way, pulling me closer to her. I stood motionless, but my core quickly filled with an odd warmth. I felt like my soul would escape my body and follow her she anywhere, wherever that may be.

Nearly eight seconds had passed.

It wasn't _right_. I shouldn't have been able to stare at someone for that long without figuring them out. She was blank, her mind pitch black. Yet, because of _this_, and all the strange and different things about her, my eyes were bound to hers. My center of gravity no longer was earth, but this girl.

It wasn't right that she should be gazing at me, either. Her curious stare didn't make sense. She was nomadic.

She should have run.

"Edward! Edward…" I heard Emmett distantly calling. I'd forgotten he was with me. I'd forgotten about home, about family, about time. I'd forgotten everything.

In that mere moment, the sound of Emmett's voice caused my head to turn in the slightest way.

An eighth of a second later I turned back.

She did run.


	5. Chapter 5: Overcome

Chapter Five: Overcome 

We looked into each others eyes for what seemed like an eternity. I didn't object. He was the most beautiful creature I'd ever laid my eyes on.

His face was glorious, his bronze hair lightly powdered with snow, his skin smooth as stone. He stood- not relaxed, but not aggressive- at a height of at least six feet.

I lost all interest in my prey.

I wanted to say something. Scream something to him, but I couldn't. I was captivated. What I _needed_ to declare, I have no idea.

"Hello" maybe?

No, I know he was a threat, an unknown danger. I was a vampire and so was he. I knew what he was capable of. He could rip me apart if he wanted to.

Yet, there was nowhere in his golden eyes that led me to believe he was going to do such a thing. He looked interested…

Had he not seen someone like me before? So nomadic? So alone?

"Get away"... I couldn't be so rude to someone who looked so good, so innocent.

As I tried to think of something, anything to say, I noticed his facial expressions changing at a rapid pace. Curious, contemplating, awed.

They froze at an expression I couldn't exactly identify. Astonished? Struck by some overwhelming force?

I figured I looked the same way. Something about him made me feel so safe. I needed no reason to feel safe, I was in no present danger, but it was like he was saying, "_Everything will be okay_".

If my heart could beat I'd be able to feel blood pulsing throughout every single one of my veins. My skin would burn with my own blood. I'd blush, but I don't know why.

Why was he so special? Why was I feeling this wave of emotions? I'd never been overcome like this before. Angry, why was he staring? Scared, what if he _would_ harm me? Nervous, if I speak will he run? Passionate, he was so stunning. Hopeful, can he keep me safe, make everything okay? Confused, why was I feeling like this? And above all, curious.

I don't even know how I could recognize such emotions, his or mine. For the last ten years the only things I remember feeling were thirst and guilt. Maybe my human memories were reemerging. Maybe I did feel these sometime in my new life, but he just made me feel them all at once.

We still locked eyes. I'd never experienced anything like this before. The bliss that his face gave me would have brought a shy smile to my face if I wasn't concentrating so hard on keeping still. _He was still dangerous_, my instincts told me.

"Edward! Edward…"

Edward. His name. It suited him so perfectly. Edward. _Edward._

Along with this frustrating need to say something, the scuttle of strong emotions, and the reactions my body _would_ have been feeling, I now repeated his name to myself.

_Edward, Edward, Edward_.

I never wanted to forget that name. I knew I never could, but it was now the most important thing to me. His name. It was like background music. Edward.

He turned his head slightly in the direction of the sound and I caught a glimpse of his powerful, sculpted jaw.

My instincts told me how dangerous he was. They told me to run for my life. I would have fought with my instincts but they were quicker than my logic.

My legs pushed away from the dead man under me and undead man before me. I didn't look back, but my instincts told me to run faster if he were following me.

_Run faster? Why would I run from him?_

I couldn't stop now. I had disappeared and he was already gone, hidden in the trees. With each beat of my foot hitting the ground I repeated his name,

_Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward_…


	6. Chapter 6: Returned

Chapter Six: Returned

"Edward?" Emmett asked. It was hard to respond. I knew he was looking for me, but I was unable to turn around. When the girl had left, it felt as if all the warmth had left, too. Whatever expression my face had been in, I felt it fall into a face full of nothing. I had no expression at all.

"I'm here" I choked out. I was never so grateful to be with Emmett. He wouldn't notice my expression like Alice or Carlisle would.

"Well I'm going back." I could tell he was now only 20 or so yards away.

"Alright, let's go." I caught up to him in moments and he didn't spare a glance in my direction. He was so uncomplicated.

As we ran it felt as if I was really _feeling_ the cool breeze of the wind for the first time. It was cold. I would shiver if I could. It didn't like it, either. After such intense warmth, this was horrifying.

That girl, she left me completely open. I'd felt more than I'd ever felt before. We said nothing to each other and it was only mere seconds. _How could this happen?_

What _did_ happen? I'd never been so confused.

I tried to sort it out in my head. Going over each hypothesis…

_Okay, maybe… it was a weird connection. Maybe I knew her in my human life?_

No, that was stupid. I shook my head as if to clear the thought from my mind. I spent the rest of the run trying to come up with new reasons for whatever happened.

We arrived back to the family, each couple separated throughout the house. Rosalie and Tanya were the exceptions, waiting for us to appear.

They stood behind the large, mosaic glass door. I'd still needed to get used to the house, or more like a mansion. For ten years I'd resided here and not one day went by when I missed the home we owned in Washington. I missed the porch and the rain and the little river flowing in the back.

It wasn't just that I missed, but I missed that didn't have to pretend there. I was alone, they all knew it. I was alone now, but I had Tanya.

As Emmett and I entered, Rosalie ran up to him and wrapped him in a tight embrace. They quickly ran to their own room while me and Tanya were left standing in the door way.

"How was it" she asked.

"It was great" I sounded dead. I had to compensate so I wrapped my hands around the small of her back and pulled her face toward mine.

While we kissed her thoughts were out of control. She was praising me in every way, thinking of me as some type of king. It hurt to hear this. I was no king. She shouldn't love me at all. I couldn't even return half of her love.

But, instead of suffering over this fact, I pictured the girl. I'd only seen her once, but her features were caught in my mind. I saw her face, her long, dark hair flowing in the wind and her blood stained clothes. I saw her eyes. Bright red but astonishingly beautiful on her face. My veins felt warmer already.

"Wow. Edward" Tanya whispered.

I kissed her harder. I felt her soft hair, clutched her hips into mine, all the while picturing the girl.

I had returned to the giant house in Alaska. Returned to my family, to Tanya, to everyday life. I'd only been gone a day but I now truthfully felt home.

Because when I pictured the girl's eyes, I _was_ home.

I could almost feel the rain in the air, smell the scent of it, hear the river flowing in the back, picture the beautiful trees draped over path to the house with the huge porch and countless windows.

_Forks_.


	7. Chapter 7: Helped

Chapter Seven: Helped

It had been weeks since I encountered the girl. I'd kept happy, or as close to happy as I'd ever been, by picturing her in my mind. I hadn't really _seen_ Tanya since that day. Every touch, every kiss, I saw the girl instead.

It's been 23 days and eleven hours since that moment.

I could feel it coming back, the gaping emptiness. Her face was always on my mind, but it wasn't enough anymore. I thrived on the thought of her, but it was now second-hand to me, and second-hand couldn't fight away the darkness, the pain.

I spent most of my time with Carlisle in next few days, helping him around the hospital. I figured seeing someone so wholesome, so happy, could inspire me. To do what, I wasn't sure.

"Edward, can you hand me a gauze or two?"

"Here" I passed several to Carlisle. I was shadowing him at the hospital, passing for his son. He was cleaning up a girl who had just gotten into a small car accident. She was coherent, watching Carlisle with awe as he told her, step by step, what he was doing.

Her eyes were filled with wonder as she gazed at him and I couldn't help recall that familiar look in the eyes of the girl.

Instead of feeling the shadow of her warmth, I now felt cold. It felt like needles were pricking at my skin, like a knot was twisting in my stomach. It might have been heart break.

It had been 23 days and eleven hours too long.

"Carlisle, can I ask you something?"

"Samantha you're recovering wonderfully and I'll be back early tomorrow to check up on you" Carlisle told his patient.

She gave him a thankful smile and watched us until we were out of view.

"Sure, Edward, what's troubling you?" he looked into my eyes with genuine curiosity as we walked down the hospital halls. I hadn't pestered him with questions about moral and life and meaning in nearly a decade.

"Have you ever", I tried to make it sound indistinct, like I wasn't asking the question for myself, "…felt..."

"Edward, stop there." I could feel confusion plastered all along my face. Carlisle's curiosity abruptly vanished as something clicked in his mind.

"I've known you for a century, and I know what you're going to ask."

"I don't…"

"Listen to me, love is blind. That is why Tanya is oblivious. We're not. We're you're family. I've felt your pain for a century and the last ten years have not been an exception."

I don't know what order they came in, but shock, embarrassment, anger, and relief all emerged. Shock because I thought I'd hid it so well. Embarrassment because I had failed at my attempts of happiness. Anger because for ten years I would have killed for a second opinion, help from someone. And relief, the coming change was almost palpable.

The relief was the only emotion I made prominent. A smile crossed my face, a pathetic, sheepish smile.

"Thank you. You don't know how badly I needed that."

"You are welcome", he smiled back a paternal, warm smile. We strolled out the back exit and outdoors into the light snow fall. The forest behind the hospital looked beautiful in the afternoon, traces of light behind the clouds.

"Edward," Carlisle said as he looked up toward the hidden sun, "you know how important you are to me, to the family. We all want what is best for you. Tanya, as lovely and charming as she is, is not that. Tell me, please, what you need..."

He was looking at me know. I stopped looking into the forest and turned my head towards him. He stared right into my eyes and in that moment I knew I had to tell him everything. Everything I thought, everything I needed, everything I kept from him.

We talked until it was dusk. I told him everything that troubled me. My hidden talent, the emptiness inside me that Tanya could never fill.

"Carlisle, what do I do? I can't hurt her."

"I'm not sure. It is very difficult. We haven't just adjusted our lives around you and Tanya, but around her family, too. I've thought of this before, but just as a last resort."

I sighed but Carlisle just urged me to go on. He knew I wasn't finished talking, despite the fact that he was bustling with questions regarding my ability.

I told him about the girl, about her face, how she brought a weird warmth, a magnetic pull. I must have done something because when I retold the story Carlisle's face lit up. His thoughts were filled with delight. He'd never been so happy for me.

I went on, saying that I missed home, how I always missed home. The girl reminded me of our old house, our forest, our rainy little town.

When I finally finished, Carlisle just beamed.

"Edward, I cannot advise you in any sure way, but I've never seen you like this before. Whatever it is, you must find it. Find her."

I let out a big breath and smiled at Carlisle.

"Go. Deal with the rest later."

Within that one statement, my life had changed more than it ever had before. I gave Carlisle one last long, thankful gaze before sprinting towards the forest.

I inhaled once again, trying to find her familiar sent.


	8. Chapter 8: Snapped

Chapter Eight: Snapped

I was on top of a giant rock, surrounded by trees and a small river. I knew I should have left a while ago, but I really liked it here. It felt so familiar, like I'd been in a place exactly like this sometime before.

I told myself I would have to move on. I couldn't feed on the people of this small town anymore. Two women had lost the loves of their life. A stream of guilt flowed through me. I was sorry because I think I knew how they felt.

It was morning and the sun was peaking out from behind the clouds. Snow was falling on my face but it didn't bother me. I was just staring into the sky, thinking…

I figured out why it was so hard to leave this place. It wasn't the people in the town that I had excess to so easily. To be completely honestly, I didn't feel hungry anymore. Not since Edward. My thirst was pushed to the back of my mind, the burn in my throat never seeming to aggravate me enough to kill.

The reason I was stuck here was due to the lingering, annoying hope. I couldn't push it away, ignore it. I hoped he would return, looking for me.

"Don't start. He doesn't care. I bet he has something better."

The sound of my voice startled the birds that were just feet from me. I was lying so still it was as if I was dead.

I turned my head to watch them fly away, traveling with one another. The thought was lovely, having someone to be with for the rest of your life, or better yet, your _eternity_.

I was so hung up on the idea of Edward coming here that each night when the stars appeared and I could hear the wolves howl, I would feel a tremble in my stomach and I could almost hear him approaching through the trees. When he didn't appear I ran through the forest looking for him. Most nights I would end up in the exact same spot I saw Edward. I would just stand there, staring at the place where he first emerged from. When the sun made itself prominent with its first traces of dawn, I would simply run back to my rock.

This pattern continued for weeks.

I _should_ have given up but that hope, that stupid, _stupid_ hope kept me around here. I spent all my time thinking he would come back, ignoring my better judgment that he would, in reality, not.

"Really? What else would you have done?"

I laughed. I could agree with myself on that one. I'd considered joining humanity in these past weeks, too. I bet I could resist my thirst. I never really tried. If I was hungry I simply ate.

While I thought about myself, sitting in a classroom, considering the sum of me and society, I doodled on the side of the giant rock. My upper half was upside-down, leaning over the side, as I pushed my right index finger into the gray stone.

At first I just made wave shapes and dug all my fingers in, creating mindless patterns. Then, when my three fingers crossed a previous line, I noticed that I had carved an E.

It all became very childish then. I wrote Edward's name multiple times. I even wrote an E and a B next to each other. I had never had the chance to do this in junior high or high school. I saw other girls do it and laughed.

"Stop. It's still stupid" I told myself. I pushed my palm into the rock and shifted it back and forth, erasing some of the names. I left one, just to stare at. I smiled in spite of myself.

It didn't seem long, but I guess I had been doodling for half the day. The stars were roughly visible and I could tell the temperature was dropping. I propped myself up on my elbows and closed my eyes. They would reopen when it became entirely black…

It was dark now. My muscles knew it was time to run. It was routine for them, too. I pushed away from the rock, landing lightly on the balls of my feet 10 yards away. I inhaled one deep, long breath and headed in the direction of our encounter.

When I was halfway there my body suddenly stopped. My mind quickly adjusted to my actions.

"I'm done", I whispered. My face changed from anticipation to distress.

"He won't be there. He'll never be there."

It abruptly hit me. A crushing, smothering pain in my chest. I knew it wasn't real. I hadn't felt genuine pain since the bite. But this ache seemed so true. My cold, dead heart felt as if it was shattered into a thousand pieces.

I felt like all the life had been sucked out of me. I had no energy to run away, no energy to take another breath. I trudged back to my rock. My hope had been snapped.

It was over. I guess after a certain amount of time you run out of ignorant bliss. I was still walking when the sun came up. I didn't bother to see his name written on my rock. He wasn't coming back. His face flittered in my mind every time I closed my eyes, so I didn't close my eyes for the rest of the night.

I stared at my rock; the opposite side was unadorned stone. When I got tired of that I stared at the trees and the river. It felt _so_ familiar. I didn't know what it was but I _knew_ I had been somewhere like this before.

Then, without thinking, I stood up and walked away. I started to run after I knew what I was running for.

I made up my mind in an instant. I would find that familiar scene. The trees with the small river. It would keep me preoccupied… instead of thinking about Edward.

At the mention of his name I ran, as if running fast enough would leave behind some of the pain.


	9. Chapter 9: The Rest

Chapter Nine: The Rest

There was one thing I needed to do before I left. I had just taken off from the hospital and I would soon be close enough to the house to hear thoughts. I slowed down, wanting to think to myself without anyone else's voice as a distraction.

_I can't believe I'm doing this._

_I can't believe I've wasted so much of my… existence_.

The girl filled my mind completely. Her face appeared all the while I thought. It was as if she was questioning me, helping me discover new things about myself. I'm not who I was. I do not know why I pretended to be with Tanya. I do not know at all.

_Why? Pretending didn't do anything for me._

I'd been deceiving myself the whole time. I knew to an extent that it wasn't like me to pretend. I use to be able to justify all the reasons I was with Tanya. For our families, for her, for my own guilty pleasures. It was only now, with the girl's face in my mind, that I realized how much of myself I'd been hiding.

I'd changed so rapidly. My footsteps increased, I was running faster, as if this new discovery made me want to not only find the girl quicker, but discover the rest of me I was subduing.

I was not a people pleaser.

I would not sit back and witness my perpetual life waste.

I would rather be completely and utterly alone than pretend anymore.

I wanted something and I was on my way to get it. It felt like this was the first time I had done anything for _myself_.

Tanya was nearly a dim light in a very, very dark room. I didn't have a shadow, a person to lead me. It was pitch-black and I did what I assumed would help, which was to go to that only source of light.

But now the room was brilliant. It was overflowing with, not a star, but an exceptionally bright meteor. I saw my shadow now, and it told me where to go. It led me to the warmth of the light. I trusted the shadow. It seemed to know me better than I knew myself.

As this reality struck me I heard the first voice in my head. It was Alice. I smiled. I'd missed her. I never really left but it felt like I had been gone for so long. I hid behind my mask, pretending to be content, but I was back and I missed Alice.

My epiphany resolved quickly then. I was a vampire whose eyes had just been opened. I was clearly missing a part of his life. I'd found the rest of _myself_, but the girl was still out there. My meteor.

A meteor that would undoubtedly cause trouble in the life I'd mistakenly let take place. She would create a sonic-boom. She would be a bolide.

"Edward!" Alice was ecstatic. I presumed she already saw what would happen.

As I came closer to the house I saw her face gazing brightly at where she knew I would appear. A smile lit her face and I felt my own mouth curve into a smirk. We darted towards each other and embraced, her arms wrapped lovingly around my shoulders as I spun her around swiftly.

"You're _home_" she sighed. We both understood the deeper meaning to those words. She jumped back lightly and I could tell she had so much to say.

"Alice, I know what you're thinking."

"Edward… I cannot believe it. I was looking at your future only minutes ago. I haven't needed to in so long for any of us but I was curious. I saw everything. I saw you leaving," she pouted and her eyebrows shaped into confusion, "I saw Carlisle doing research, I saw you running from the house. Then," she snapped her tiny fingers together, "you were here!"

"Alice, you've got a good outline but you're missing the most important parts."

She let out a whine and smiled at the same time, "If only the past would make _itself_ prominent!"

"I'll fill you in…" I never felt so open, so willing to explain to someone, especially someone besides Carlisle.

I told her everything, or as much as I had figured out myself. I may have found the rest of myself and the reason for such a change, but I still didn't know about some things. The future, for instance, was still a blur to me.

Carlisle and Alice's reactions seemed to be identical.

"Edward, don't you think I know you! Maybe even a little better than yourself!"

Once again anger flowed through me.

"You've all hidden it so well! Not even in your thoughts!" I shook my head and shrugged my shoulders in amazement.

"You're shocked? How do you think I feel! Mind-reader… I'm jealous. I don't know how or why you kept it to yourself, not just the mind-reading but the pain. A century of silence… I'm so sorry." She became suddenly serious.

"I didn't even ask! After I saw you settle with Tanya I stopped checking for you. I just assumed... and I was so wrong. But it is not even that! I knew, I knew something wasn't right. _I didn't even ask_…" she repeated to her self silently.

I took her hand, so much smaller than my own, and squeezed it tightly for reassurance.

"It's not you're fault. I never asked, never showed anything. I was stone, and like stone I didn't move, didn't think, I just went with it. I guess I didn't know better, didn't know myself better. But when I saw the girl she opened my eyes, my mind, my heart… all to things I didn't know I was missing out on. I found the rest of me."

Alice's mind was a flurry of flowers and sunshine and love. All the things you see in a wedding magazine. "_What's she like?_" Alice thought, delighted.

I rolled my eyes in embarrassment and answered the question before she voiced it. "Marvelous. I mean, I don't know her at all, but I'd never felt anything like it."

"Edward!" Alice squeaked. I did not know why I felt so embarrassed, maybe because I never really had anything personal to share. Nothing truly dear to me.

"Alice, don't jump the gun. There is still so much to figure out about the situation… the future."

"_Don't_ _worry about the future, just worry about yourself and what you need to do. I can handle that._" she thought. "_But with you…_ _I'll have to get used to these one way conversations_."

I laughed and nudged her side jokingly. "Thanks."

She smiled in return and then thought deeply. "_Let's get this organized, Edward. So for the last ten years with Tanya you've been the same as ever. Unfinished_." She wasn't asking but stating, clearing my situation up for herself, making sure of all the basics. "_And then, you go and, not find, but stumble upon _her." Alice's mind filled with the details, the gravitational pull of the girl, the strange warmth I explained earlier. I nodded to keep her going.

"_You open up to Carlisle and he tells you to find her. You were on your way but you need to stop here first. Why?"_

"To talk to you."

She smiled, delighted. "Alice you mean a lot to me. You're my sister. I guess you knew it before I did, but I needed to tell you."

"_So this is your rest and then you're on your way. You don't know what you're going to do with Tanya. Oh, and you can read minds_." She raised her eyebrows and tilted her head matter-of-factly. "_I'm envious_."

"Don't be. It's not great, just intrusive."

"_And you hid it from us!_"

I rolled my eyes and focused on something more vital. "I need you're help Alice. Another reason for the rest stop, I guess. What can I do about Tanya?"

"I'm not sure Edward," she said aloud. "She doesn't realize what we know. Your distress, that is. Her future remains the same. I mean, I see her worrying about you, not sure what you are up to, but she is not planning to take action. I guess love just shadows that all."

At the mention of shadow I started to feel the pull, a pull in the direction of what I wanted. My shadow was leading me away from the house towards the forest.

"Alice, I think I need to go now."

She knew what I was talking about and asked one more thing. "_Tell me what more you need from me, Edward_."

"I need you to tell the family why I am gone, if they are concerned." I thought Rosalie wouldn't mind my absence. "And keep an eye out for Tanya. I not going to tell her I'm leaving but she is used to me being gone. If anything comes up with her, like if she tries to follow me, call."

Alice nodded, understanding what she needed to do. She needed to protect my secret from Tanya and her family. She needed to tell the rest our family what was happening. She needed to keep a look out for the future.

"_I'll miss you. Find something out there_."

"You're great, Alice. Love you." I gave her another quick hug before darting deeper into the trees.

The sun was muted in the clouds, a light shade of pink and orange. It was getting later when another thought stuck me. More than a thought: a burning, gnawing pain in my throat.

I was _starving_.


	10. Chapter 10: Unknown

Chapter Ten: Unknown

Having to stop, for any reason, was pure torture. I was so close to being on my way, on my way to finding the girl, to discovering something new for the first time in decades, that I almost ignored my thirst.

I _almost_ did.

It took me only milliseconds to realize that, as anxious as I was, I hadn't any thought to where I would be led. Close to humans? I couldn't risk it. I'd always loved and respected Carlisle, but since our last conversation my love grew deeper. He understood me when I needed it the most and I could never, ever do him wrong for that.

I was some odd miles from the house, trying not only to find the scent of game that would keep my thirst at bay for however long I needed, but the scent of the girl also.

_The girl_. I wish I knew her name. I felt like someone so wonderful couldn't be described by pronouns much longer. As I ran I tried to fit names with the glorious face.

Soon enough I saw a heard of elk roaming in the forest. I spotted a large alpha at the front of the heard, overlooking the rest of them.

I was impatient. Instead of the sly maneuvers I usually used I ran, full-fledged, towards the male. He didn't have one moment of comprehension before he toppled over from to the force of the impact. The rest of the heard backed away before the realized what was happening. A fair sized female made eye contact with me and that was the last thing she saw before I lunged at her, easily biting through her skin and piercing a large vein.

I had two to finish off now. I drank fast, feeling the fire in my throat weaken. When I was done I stood up, brushed the snow from my clothing, and looking down at the dead animals.

There was nothing left to them. Not only was the life sucked from them, but the color and the appeal was, too. I doubted even the scavengers would find them appealing.

I was in reverie looking at the dried out elk bodies, unaware that something was close by. I snapped out of it quickly when I heard muted footsteps in the snow.

Hope built itself up before I could even attempt to be rational. I hoped it was the girl. I hoped we would meet the same way we did before, expect this time our rolls would be reversed. I wanted so badly for her to step into clarity, her hair wind blown and her face miraculous, her eyes welcoming and her fear of me nonexistent.

It seemed to take forever for anyone to appear. At first I considered the footsteps to be of a small animal. They were so very quiet that whatever it was must have been light enough to barely break the snow's surface.

I felt very stupid then. It all occurred to me at once. It was another vampire. It was not nomadic. It was not _her_.

Disappointment flowed through me and I noticed a voice in my head. After I heard the first syllable thought by the voice I realized who it was.

"Tanya?"

She came from the darkness of the trees with the setting sun, opposite of her position, projecting a light pink glow upon her face.

"Edward" she spoke as though relieved it was me. A small smile tugged at the corners of her lips.

She was glad to see me; her thoughts didn't give her away because her expression spoke so much louder. Her eyes had a luminosity to them, as though my presence was a vivid light to her heart.

I felt frozen, unable to think or act or speak. This was, foolishly, my worst fear… at least at this moment in time. I felt uneasy, not sure how to get out of the situation. The pull in the direction of the girl was being held back by this impasse.

Tanya glided towards me with perfect elegance. Her hands slipped through my limp arms and onto my lower back. I rested my hands near her shoulders; for fear that any other placement would make my future words more difficult for her.

She looked up into my eyes and, in their reflection, I saw my own. I looked older, colder. I was done with pretending, done with her. If destiny was kind it would give me the rest of my life. A life with someone else.

I didn't see her anymore. When she leaned in to kiss me my lips didn't kiss her like they used to. I couldn't even pretend she was the girl because, after discovering the rest of myself, I knew done pretending. My heart wasn't the same. It didn't beat, but if it did it wouldn't be the same as before. It was set to a different beat, the beat of wanting someone else.

But, for reasons unknown, I let her kiss me without pulling away. She must have spotted the difference because her brows lowered in confusion over her closed eyes. Her mouth was harder on mine, trying to inject passion into kiss. I couldn't find any passion towards her anymore, not even lust, but I still couldn't pull away. I would let her make that move.

After three more failed attempts she took her lips off of mine.

"Are you okay?"

Her eyes were worried and her thoughts were filled with the pain of rejection. I couldn't feel anything but pity for what I would have to do to her. I knew I was improvising but I needed two things and two things only.

First, she could not be allowed to follow me. I need to convince her to stay here. I didn't how this was possible but it was necessary. I wasn't sure how long it would take me to find the girl and when (I refused to say if) I did I wasn't sure what would happen next.

Second, I needed to keep peace between her family and my own. Both Carlisle and I had uncertainties to how it would work it out but I knew he was considering it now. Our lives were intertwined with the Denali clan and each vampire had their own loyalties. Rosalie to Emmett, Emmett to Jasper, Jasper to Alice, Alice to Carlisle, Carlisle to Esme, and all of them to me. There was no difference with the others. Vampires have unwavering devotion. If I were to hurt Tanya then her sisters would surely defend her while my family did the same for me.

As all this crossed my mind I began to formulate sentences in my mind. Tanya still looked up at me with her darkened, anxious eyes.

"Tanya," I said firmly, "I need something and"

"Anything you need, Edward. _Of course_."

"…and it is for you to stay here." She was taken back, believing that I needed something having to do her involvement.

"Um…"

"Before you ask, please just believe me when I say that you need to stay here."

"I don't understand. If it has to do with humans then I have just as much control as you do. If it has to do with something important, something you need to find, then why cannot I be with you while find it?" Her voice was gradually becoming more frantic, each word causing her tone to rise higher and higher.

"Tanya, I need this from you."

"You always need something from me. 'I need time to think, I need time to be alone.'"

"_Please_, do this one last thing for me, as a friend."

I don't know why exactly I said it but it clicked in her head then. Her heart was shattering and it was all from that one word. _Friend_.

"Oh my god._ Oh, my, god. Why is this happening. This doesn't happen. Our kind doesn't fall out of love. This cannot happen. He isn't right. He is confused I'm sure… that's it. Confusion. That's all it is, all it can possibly be_." Her thoughts were frenzied, trying to convince herself that this was all a misunderstanding.

I had to use her uncertainty to my benefit. I acted as if I took the silence as acceptance. I took her hands from my back and put both of them in my own, giving them a light pat while I kissed her swiftly on the cheek.

I couldn't find it in myself to look into her eyes. Her heartbreak was so potent but that wasn't the reason.

I didn't want to spare her another look because she was already in the past, a mistake I'd made, a road that was never meant for me to travel down.

I was headed for my destiny, _finally_. The string was severed between us but, I was afraid, not completely broken. There were still things to deal with but they would have to wait.

I ran smelling the pine and the snow, unknown to where exactly I need to go. There was so much terrain to cover and she could have been anywhere.

I aimed for the small town near the spot where the girl and I first encountered. I could feel the heat of the town coming closer with every step I took.

I would soon be able to see lights. My eyes were open, aware, waiting for the first glimpse of civilization. It was because I was so intent on sight that I didn't notice the sound at first.

The sound of a scream. A shrieking, ear shattering scream.

Tanya.


End file.
